Sunday, March 17, 2013

not ever forgotten

March 16th 2013 is a date I have circled in my calendar.  It's a date that 8 months ago I had calculated to mark the time when a new little being was going to be joining our family.

This weekend marked my due date with Noah.  It really is just an indication that by this time he would have been born.  And that by now, I would have had a wriggling, screaming, pooping little baby to cherish in my arms.  But sadly, that was not meant to be.

Noah has left a gaping hole in our little family.  One shared by his big brother Oliver... the two little boys who couldn't stay with us.

It's been nearly 7 years since Oliver passed away, fighting for his breath after 4 short hours of life.  It's been 5 months since Noah was born... an event that we needed to experience as he had died in utero at 16 weeks gestation, without any warning, and without any known reason.

These are my babies that I cannot hold, and today, like everyday, I remember them.

A grieving mother carries her children with her all the time.  She never forgets.  When the holidays come around, and she's wrapping presents or decorating the house, she remembers them.  When she goes to other children's birthday parties, or prepares cakes and balloons for her other children, she remembers the one's who are not here anymore.  Grocery shopping, driving to school, sitting at the dinner table, doing the laundry... the lost babies are an ever and constant presence in her heart and mind.  It doesn't matter if they passed quietly during the pregnancy, if they were born sleeping, or fought for their little lives in the NICU, these precious little babies are much loved, much cherished and always remembered.  It doesn't matter if it was last week, 7 years ago, or 37 years ago, the pain of loss is there.  This isn't just for me.  It's for grieving mothers everywhere.  Our babies aren't here, and we feel their loss always.

I'm writing this so that you won't forget either.

Noah is my son.  He was as real as you are.  Even though he didn't get to draw a sweet, life giving breath, every part of him was real, and my son.  He lived inside of me.  He was loved, nurtured, is loved and missed every single day.

Today I say his name, and I say his big brother's name, because I want you to remember them.  I don't ever want them to be forgotten.

Oliver Elias ~ March 29th 2006

Noah Yan ~ October 28th 2012


But not ever forgotten.


  1. {{hugs}}

    beautifully written. I so agree with you. Every little person I see echo's with the name of the one in His arms that I look forward to meeting someday.

    Thank you for sharing your heart :)

  2. Tears rolling down my cheeks... For your boys... My sister I never knew... my first... So many mothers touched by grief, but a shared grief is so much more used by God than a secret, silent one. These precious ones are as much a part of His kingdom as we are. And in that glorious place we will hold them in perfection. Love you Nicole. Sarah xo

  3. Wow. I am weeping Nicole. What a beautiful tribute to your two precious boys in Heaven. Thank you for sharing this. Praising God for my four children here with me, and the two who went on before. I'm so thankful there will be a day when we're all reunited with our loves.


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